Pilot: "Good morning, Frankfurt ground, KLM 242 request start up and push back, please." Tower: "KLM 242 expect start up in two hours." Pilot: "Please confirm: two hours delay" Tower: "Affirmative." Pilot: "In that case, cancel the good morning!"
*
Tower:"Hotel Papa Oscar climb four thousand to six thousand and maintain." Pilot:"Hotel Papa Oscar, climbing flight level 100." Tower:"Hotel Papa Oscar, climb to flight level 60 and maintain." Pilot: "But four plus six is ten, isn't it" Tower:"You should climb, not add up."
*
ATC: "Cessna G-ABCD What are your intentions? " Cessna:"To get my Commercial Pilots Licence and Instrument Rating. ATC:"I meant in the next five minutes not years."
*
Tower:"Hawk 20, is this the same aircraft declaring emergency about two hours ago?" Pilot: "Negative, Sir. It's only the same pilot."
*
Controller: "AAL235 contact tower on 117.30" Pilot:"Roger, tower on 123.50"
*
Pilot: "Approach, Acme Flt 202, with you at 12,000' and 40 DME." Approach:"Acme 202, cross 30 DME at and maintain 8000'." Pilot: "Approach, 202's unable that descent rate." Approach: "What's the matter 202? Don't you have speed brakes?" Pilot: "Yup. But they're for my mistakes. Not yours."
*
One day a radar controller did a mistake in sequencing the traffic for landing, he let a Boeing 747 as number 2 behind a Cessna 172, as it looks very wierd, the B747 started to get closer to the Cessna, the controller instructed the captain of B747 to slow down 180 kts, captain did comply, after a while the controller instructed again the B747 to slow down to 160 knots, few moments later, the controller asked the captain of B747 to slow down to 130 kts! the captain asked the controller: Capt: do you know at which speed does 747 stall? contrl: I'm sorry...no idea...you can ask the co-pilot !
*
ATC: Alitalia 345 continue taxi holding position 26 South via Tango check for workers along taxiway AZA: Ali345 Taxi 26 Left a via Tango. Workers checked - all are working
*
Tower: "...and for your information, you were slightly to the left of the centreline on that approach." Speedbird: "That's correct; and, my First Officer was slightly to the right"
*
Tower (in Stuttgart): "Lufthansa 5680, reduce to 170 knots." Pilot: "This is here like Frankfurt. There is also only 210 and 170 knots...But we are flexible." Tower: "We too. Reduce to 173 knots."
*
Pilot: "Portland approach, United 910, the first officer has the airport in sight."
Controller: "United 910, the first officer is cleared to land."
Pilot: "Uh ? can the captain land too?"
*
Pilot: "Arlington Unicom, Cardinal 1234, request airport advisory."
Controller: "Active is 34, altimeter 30.04, wind 270 at 44, left hand pattern."
Pilot: "Say wind again."
Controller: "Wind 270 at 44."
Pilot: "Oh ? time to go home and take a nap."
*
Controller: "New Zealand 451, descend and maintain 5000, there is a domestic flight B 737."
Pilot: "Descend and maintain 5000, New Zealand 451."
Controller: "New Zealand 451, could you track direct Glenbruck 'prominent landmark' please."
Pilot: "We can anything you like."
Controller: "That could be interesting ..."
*
Lehrer zum Flugschüler, der eine Notlandung simulieren soll: "Haben Sie sich für ein Terrain entschieden, wo Sie runtergehen wollen?"
Flugschüler: "Ja, den Ackerweg da drüben, gleich neben der Landebahn."
Lehrer: "Neben der Landebahn? Warum neben der Bahn, ist was nicht in Ordnung mit der Piste?"
Flugschüler: "Nein, aber Sie sagten doch, das sei eine Notlandung."
*
Pilot: "Radar, N 878, it's very bumpy here at FL 80."
Controller: "N 878, roger, do you request descend?"
Pilot: "My wife yes, but it's okay for me."
*
Controller: "Japanair 123, confirm you are on course to ARURA?"
Pilot: "Ah, logel, logel."
Controller: "No, no, Sir. Not to LOGEL. It is not on your route!"
*
Ein Tower-Lotse bemerkt an einer amerikanischen Transportmaschine im Landeanflug, dass das Fahrwerk nicht ausgefahren ist. Der Pilot der Maschine ist als Raubein bekannt, deshalb der vorsichtige Hinweis des Tower-Lotsen: "US Air 224, your gear seems not to be in place, Sir."
Pilot: "You operate your tower, I operate my aircraft, okay?"
*
Auf der Tower-Frequenz von Berlin Tegel.
Pilot: "... request runway two eight left."
Tower: "... äh, die zwo acht müssen wir vorher noch'n bisschen planieren. Würden Sie solange mit der null acht vorlieb nehmen?"
*
Pilot: "Ground, Lufthansa 1130, request start-up to Düsseldorf."
Ground: "Well, Lufthansa 1130, we have a flightplan to Leipzig! Would you ask your passengers where they like to go?"
*
Pilot: "Approach, Lufthansa 1635, what is this aircraft doing at my altitude?"
Approach: "Lufthansa 1635, what makes you think it is your altitude, Captain?"
*
Controller: "November 256 MR, do you have ground contact?"
Pilot: "We can see the ground, but we'll reserve contact for the runway."
*
A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich , overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany . Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"
